Fri Funny -19 Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

(I do not own these, not even sure where I got them. I will credit if you contact me and can prove ownership. Also. I won't be able to post again til  12/28. Thanks for reading.)

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passinbg cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all of your sentences with "in accordance with the Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip instead of walking.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won!".
18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "tun for your lives, they're loose!".
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

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5 steps to take charge of your life

1. Faith. You have to believe in something.

2. Direction. You must have direction if you're going to accomplish anything.

3. Consistent action. It's the best way to reach your goals.

4. Flexibility. Don't be afraid to make changes. When you accomplish one goal, it may effect/change the next one.

5. Have patience.  Nothing happens instantaneously. Think of Rome, it wasn't built in a day. ;)

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Is your light shining?

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” -Martin Luther King.

Are you encouraging other light s to shine? Try to shine, even when things are bad. It makes troubles easier to deal with and makes the world a better place.

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Begin again

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely.” -Henry Ford

Everyone fails...infinite times. But everyone also has infinite opportunities to begin again.

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Keep trying

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie

Never give up, keep going. Keep trying. Sometimes you have to try a different avenue, so go ahead and try all of them.

What are you trying to do? Is there another avenue you could try?

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Friday funny-Thoughts for women

(I do not own these, I don't claim them, when I printed them out the author got cut off. So if they're yours, let me know and I'll give credit)

1. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics calls pulls a hamstring.

2. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would them down and forget where they left them.

3. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

4. My mind not only wander, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

8. Just when I was getting use to yesterday, along came today.

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

12. Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day when I said, “Body, how'd you like to go to the 6 o'clockclass in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen witch...do it and die.”

15. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

16. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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Know yourself

Write out a list of your weaknesses and strengths. Chances are, your weakness list will be the longest.

Then go thru your list and get more specific. For example, if “procrastinator” is on your list, you could expand on that by stating “I have trouble figuring out where to start things.”

Knowing your specific weaknesses and strengths will help you better understand yourself. It will give you a better idea of where you need to make improvements.

Change your weaknesses into strengths.

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Make the mistakes you need to

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” -George Bernard Shaw.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes or failures. This is how you learn and discover how to do things.

If you spend your life afraid of making mistakes, you'll never get anything accomplished.

What mistakes have you been afraid of making?

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Ability-Motivation-Attitude

“Ability is what you'ree capable of. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz.

What are your abilities? Write out a list. Don't short change yourself, we all have a habit of undermining our own capabilites.

What's your motivation? Why do you do what you do? Motivation is a powerful thing.

How is your attitude? Could you be more optmisstic? Attitude is the most important piece of the puzzle. Without a good attitude, it's hard to get motivated to use your abilities.

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